The End of a Decade

 

I posted this to Facebook yesterday but wanted it here as well.  If you you’ve already read it then never mind!  If not well I want you all to know……….

…………..There was a day 11 years ago that I was excited to start a new life.  I was blinded by love and anticipation.  I said those words “I do” with tears in my eyes and my heart bursting with joy.  I couldn’t tell you the future but I was excited about it and ready to take on anything that came my way with love by my side.  My love.  My wife.

And life was good.  It was moving fast but it was good.  It was full of music and friends.  Full of new love.  Even the trials of a n,ew marriage were forgotten the moment they passed.  About a year after Colleen and I got married we had our first son, Leif, in October of 2000.  I was scared but excited.  My heart was bursting with pride and love as I held him for the first time.  Not long after we learned that another baby was on the way.  More fear.  Lots of love.  Ezra was born in May 2002.  Again I held my little boy in my arms with a strong and prideful heart beating love for this new life in my arms.  And then in September 2004 my beautiful little girl, Adalie, joined our family.  If any of you have a daughter you know the bond of a father and his little girl.  No words can express how amazing it is to hold your little girl for the first time.

We built a life and a family.  We wrote a story.  The story has been full of love and accomplishment but it has an ugly underside marked with pain and loss.  Every good story has a moment where your stomach drops to the floor and you feel week in the knees.  Maybe you can’t even stay upright and fall to the floor.  And here comes that moment for me.

Those two kids who had hearts in their eyes somehow lost hope.  We tried to regain what had been lost but too much pain had been caused.  Some caused in the decade we spent together and even more before we’d even met.  It’s not funny how much one person’s selfish decisions can cause shattered lives for generations.  I don’t know who to hold responsible for this mess.  I’ve blamed God, I’ve blamed myself, I’ve blamed her, I’ve blamed alcohol, I’ve blamed the people who called themselves friends and then disappeared when the pain was too much to bear.  But the truth is that the pain has become too much to bear.  Hope has escaped us.  Choices have been made that don’t heal.  Love has stopped coming to rescue.  This life we built has been ripped and torn into something you can’t even recognize anymore.

And so with tears streaming down my face and shaking hands, my voice quivering and my breath short I have to tell you that this decade has come to an end.  It’s probably not a surprise as you’ve stood by and watched my Facebook posts.  It’s no surprise if you’ve showed up to a bar where I was singing my pain into a microphone.  It’s no surprise if you’ve been close enough to hear our laughs turn to groans.  But now you know as much of the truth as I can share.  I’m sorry.  Something like this doesn’t just hurt us.  It hurts everyone who knows us.  It’s not the story I wanted to tell but it’s the cards that have been dealt me……so I’m sorry.

It may be that your first response would be to judge but I beg you to instead breath love into a place where there is already too much pain.  If you have to talk about it, talk about it with me.  If you think we haven’t tried enough just ask.  Please, love come rescue……………..

 

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~ by Stephen Baker on January 17, 2011.

4 Responses to “The End of a Decade”

  1. it was good to talk today, bro!
    spent a significant amount of time processing our long conversation today. i’m sorry my friend. it sucks. no words can make that go away. and no person either. only christ. cling to him. i know that sounds cliche, but it’s really not supposed to. so cling to him in song. cling to him in words and poems. cling to him in melody. cling to him in his words to you….at least as much as you can process. don’t create functional saviors. only he can be that salvation and do that salvation.

    grace and peace, my friend.

  2. Hey man, thanks for sharing. I know I don’t know you very well but I am glad Matt has been able to play with you. I totally appreciate your authenticity and have been praying for you and Colleen and your kids.

  3. Well, I was wondering what had happened to you and with you, and then scrolled and read this post. I am so sorry to hear about all you went through. I don’t know the details, and probably don’t need to, but I can still hear the hurt coming through loud and clear. Hope things have began to look up.

    • Hey Clint – yeah things went really sideways. Colleen had a lot of problems that we had worked through for years but while we were still in California she started cheating on me. Even after working through that and me deciding to stay it continued and she finally decided that she is a lesbian and so I had no other choice really. It was an awful experience. I wouldn’t wish that kind of heartbreak on my worst enemy. Unfortunately even a lot of church leaders also turned their backs on me during that time. I think people just didn’t know what to do with such a rough story. That has been maybe even harder than the divorce. At least harder for me to come to grips with. It’s been a good amount of time now and I have really moved on. I have fallen in love with an amazing woman who has been a friend for years. Life goes on and at least the pain of divorce has faded away. The pain of losing friends and church family – maybe not so much. One day at a time right!? Hope you are doing well!!

      Stephen

      Sent from my iPhone >

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