There’s a goal for that!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I’m at in life and where I want to be.  It’s a tough conversation because honestly I don’t know where I want to be and I’m also not real sure how I got where I am now.  I’ve never really set a “life goal” to go after.  Things have just fallen in my lap and I embraced it.  For example the career I’m in:  I didn’t say “yeah I’m gonna be a mortgage loan officer!”.  It found me – I needed a job and this is what became available.  Now, I don’t hate what I do.  In fact I really like it but I still think about what I’ll do when I’m done selling loans instead of thinking more long term and trying to reach a goal of let’s say – retirement!  So instead of really letting my job really mature I hold it off a little thinking this will not be “long term, this isn’t my career”.

I’ve also had to ponder the fact that I am a father of 3.  When Colleen and I got married kids were way off in the future.  At least we thought so!  3 months in we found out that our first was on the way.  We didn’t plan that.  Now we have 3!  I try to be a good dad but I don’t think I’ve really taken hold of that and worked hard enough to be a good dad.  I wonder now if we’d had time to plan on becoming parents would I be a better dad now?  I don’t want this to sound like I don’t want kids – I love my kids dearly.  I wouldn’t trade them for the world!  And that’s part of all of this.  Something is waking up inside of me.  Maybe it’s just me getting older and realizing that I’m not getting younger and that I do need a plan.  I should also point out that I don’t think I’m a horrible dad but I do think I could be a better dad.  I think I could be more intentional about being a good dad.  In just the same way I don’t think that I’m a bad loan officer but I do think I could be more intentional about where to go from here with my career.  And maybe it’s not as a loan officer.  But that’s just it – I need to find exactly what it is and go for it.

Part of my problem is that I’ve always been a dreamer.  My dreams, I guess as the nature of dreams go, are way out of proportion.  I want to save the world, I want travel as a musician and share my music to thousands, I want to………………….  But I’ve never gone after it.  Maybe it’s fear.  Fear of failure?  Maybe it’s just that voice inside your head that says “your not good enough”.  But it has to start somewhere so I’ll start right where I am by creating a goal to be a better dad and husband.  The job – well I’m still not sure about that.  Maybe I could still be a full time musician!  Maybe theres a goal for that too!

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~ by Stephen Baker on March 7, 2010.

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