I need more of you in my life

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where we’ve come since the move down here. We’ve been here for almost 2 years. God has blessed us in countless ways. It certainly isn’t anything like what we had imagined this time 2 years ago. I’m sitting here in an office helping people buy homes. I go out on the weekends to communities wearing a suit and tie (I know surprising isn’t it!!) selling the American Dream. We’re living in a house. Colleen and I couldn’t have even imagined how that would feel. It’s been a lot of apartments for a long time now! God has truely provided for more than we deserve and changed us in ways we were not prepared for!

I think part of the downside is that I’ve fallen into the Southern California mentality. I’m constantly running and take very little time to enjoy the things and the people around me. I justify it you know? I’ve forgotten that most of the country doesn’t live like this. I act like this is life everywhere and I’m just livin’ it. I heard a great quote recently: “You can flirt with L.A. but you can never marry her”. But we all act like we can. SoCal is kinda like a black widow spider. It’ll pull you in with all the beauty and sin and then kill you as soon as she’s done with you. So I flirt and I flirt and I propose marriage and she tells me that she loves me but she just can’t commit. And I’m left a little hurt and flailing but I come back with my tail between my legs and continue to try to make this a real love rather than just an affair but it will never be love. It’ll always just be lust.

And as it goes you can’t really have 2 lovers so God and I are not as tight as what I felt 2 years ago when I took the plunge to move my family here. I feel that strain. I feel that essential part of myself missing. I don’t want to make it sound like I’ve turned away. All I’m saying is that I can see the effects of where I live. I can feel again that I need some change. I need to get back to where I was. God called us here to be a light and to bring a different perspective on life to those that needed to be pulled up. I want that fire again. I want that passion. So maybe it’s time to again take a step back from all I’m trying to accomplish and search for God’s heart in this place.

I’ve got a lot of strong opinions about things: church, God, life – The least and the lost. But I think that maybe they have once again become MY opinions and not God’s. Not that I’m wrong necessarily. But also not that I’m right. I’m not doing what I say. I’m not living what I say. I’ve become somewhat self absorbed and materialistic. It might sound like I’m blaming this on where I live and that’s not what I’m trying to do. I let down my guard and let the things around me influence me more than I let God influence me. It is my fault.

All of that being said – I’m once again tired of living like this. I’m tired of just doing life and just doing church. I need to live like heaven is here and now and like I am really a child of God.

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~ by Stephen Baker on April 28, 2006.

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