Anger is an Addiction

It’s beautiful here.  The road winds through the trees.  Every once in awhile the ocean peaks out between the massive redwoods.  My window is rolled down and I can smell the salty ocean air sifting through the giant green trees and the earthen floor.  I can feel the morning mist streaming through my window, hitting my skin like tiny little bullets.  It’s not often that I take this route but this morning it made sense to drive fast and feel the beauty around me.  As I drive I smoke my morning cigarette.  The feeling of breathing in and letting it out is therapeutic and without even thinking twice I flick my +ANGER+ right out the window.  What happens next is a blur but all I see is the beauty behind me turn to flame.  And then ahead of me.  And all around me.  Before I know it I am consumed by one small choice.  In a split second the entire terrain has changed.  The once tall trees are now stubs.  The once beautiful scene is now black and the smell of fire stings my nose.  All because I left caution out and let my anger decide.

I don’t know about you but I’m addicted to anger.  I need it to feel validated.  I need it to make the things that make no sense in life and the things that sting and the things that hurt be ok.  Because as long as I have a reason, right or wrong, I can justify the things around me and even myself.  Some things are really worth getting angry over.  Some things aren’t.  Like the guy who cuts you off on the freeway.  Like the waiter at a restaurant who messes up your order.  Or maybe it is something worth it like kids dieing of aids.  Or like corrupt governments oppressing their people.  Maybe even more personal.  The major question now is what to do with anger.  Can it be good?  Can it be controlled?  What about the varying degrees of anger? 

I have recently been given good cause to be angry.  I won’t go into details about it except to say that the wrong was done against my children.  The kind of anger that burns in me now is the kind that lights fires.  But it’s also quiet and confused.  But I feel like I need it to get through what my mind can just not comprehend.  I can’t see this anger being used to construct right now.  All I see is destruction.  What happens when an anger like this rules the rest of your life?  How do you move from being addicted to the anger to being in love with the motivation that anger causes?  How can that motivation turn into something good?

Maybe the end of my story ends like this:

10 years have gone by.  I’m nervous but I drive that once familiar road and find that what I had left a scene of destruction and devastation.  A place where trees and flowers were ruined.  A place where wild life had been left with out a home.  A place that stunk of anger had now turned into something even more beautiful than it was before I came along.  The trees were fuller.  The flowers more colorful.  I could see the ocean clearly.  I could once again feel the mist brushing my skin telling me it’s ok,  we’ve made something of it. 

Maybe that’s what anger is intended for.  To create.  To breath new life with a vengeance of change.  But beautiful change.  In the midst of the wreckage I think anger is what fuels the fire to make it all better.  God I need you to make it better.  If my anger must be used – use it.  Don’t let me fall into sin as my anger rages inside of me.  Make my anger beautiful.

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~ by Stephen Baker on January 25, 2006.

2 Responses to “Anger is an Addiction”

  1. What a beautiful post!!!!

    And I agree with your conclusion. There is NO way that you or I alone could make a fruitful forest out of dark wreckage, but that seems to be God’s specialty!

  2. So dark. But so true.
    Did you write all that?
    Keep the faith bro.

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