Welcome To 2009!

So like so many times before I have meant to come and write and share but…….well there is a lot of blank pages so obviously it didn’t happen.  So we’re starting fresh here and we’ll see what happens!  

So if anyone is still reading – We have started leading worship again which has been great.  Playing with a great group of guys and it’s been fun.  Starting to work towards the camp that we did last year down in California with my brother.  I think that has quickly become a thing we will do every year and I’m looking forward to it even already.  Colleen is working downtown at Beau Monde Cosmetology school.  She is loving that.  I’m still working for Bank of America and making it through this very crazy economy.  The kids are loving school and they are all becoming rock stars on Rock Band.  

So 2008 was hard and crazy at times but one thing was persistent: God is in the business of restoration and rescue.  Those words are full of stories and of comfort for us as we head into this new year which holds so many uncertainties.  I feel like I can head in knowing that no matter what God loves me and will rescue me.  This is why He sent His Son.  I count myself fortunate to have felt His touch – to have seen His hands.  Without this last year and all of it’s trials I would not be able to see what I see now.  What a beautiful King we have – What an amazing love He has sent :: THIS IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE!

Road Trip

On Wednesday morning we’ll pack up the car with all of our gear and head down to California to lead worship for a Youth Camp.  Looking forward to it!  We’ve been planning and practicing for the last month and it has all come together.  My brother has been doing this camp for 5 years now.  Last year we were supposed to go and lead but things like work got in the way.  I think if I had made it a priority I could have made it but……I didn’t.  I did end up recording music that we sent up – you can check it out here: http://www.myspace.com/worshipinbeat.  I’m really excited to be there this year and meet the kids and get to know them.  It looks like this will be something we do every year so I’m really excited about that.  Pray for us and our travels and for these kids.  Here is an excerpt from what I wrote for the leader’s handbook regarding this years worship:

PSALM 63:1-8

“O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.  Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.  My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.  On my bed I remember you;  I think of you through the watches of the night.  Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me…………”

 

I love these verses because it embodies the kind of worship God desires from us.  Worship is seeking God, It’s thirsting for Him.  It’s acknowledging His love and meditating on Him.  It’s listening for His voice, It’s waiting for Him.  Worship is a place of protection and love and mercy. 

 

Musical worship is just one way to do these things but it is a great place to start.  My desire for the kids this year is that worship can be modeled and we as leaders can help open the doors for them to see God’s glory both through worship times and in our sharpen times together.  I desire that it can be a safe place, a place to shout or to kneel or to cry out or to be quiet but a place that it can happen under the shadow of God’s wings.  I don’t want the worship that starts here to be where it stops.  I don’t want worship to be something that happens behind the doors of a church.  This has been my prayer as I have been planning our worship (P63) times. 

Today.

Sorry I’ve been gone awhile.  I’ve still been writing just not posting.  Anyway I thought it important to post something so that everyone knows that I’m still alive.  It’s been busy so I haven’t had a lot of time to process all of the stuff swirling in my head.  I’m happy though and that is amazing!  A lot of my life has been spent angry.  I’m not sure when that creeped in but probably sometime in high school I started to feel the injustice of everything around me.  The truth is that I had a great childhood.  My parents were and are amazing!  I had little reason for angst at that age but I think I needed it to feel alive.  And that’s something I’m realizing now too as I’m feeling ok and I’m not waging any major wars.  I feel like I need to find something to get fired up about.  I’m sure it’s just around the corner because if your looking it’s really not that hard to find something to make you angry.  But what is it about anger or frustration that makes me feel alive?   It’s like pain is the only thing that really makes me feel like I have a cause.  It’s a force that drives me and to be honest I love it. 

But the holding pattern here for the moment is good.  We have great friends, great family, a great home………..Thank you God for a bit of rest!

Outside

 

Outside these doors is a lamp trying to shed it’s light.  And I’m standing here trying to step outside.  But I’m afraid of the groaning of this city.  The moaning  of painful memories laying waste to the truth of love and forgiveness.  Could this roar be lament?  Could the tongues of angels sing peace into this?  Could worship leak from my skin even as I hide in this darkness?  Could healing hold me if I step out these doors and down the steps to the street.  Oh this promise of light.   – PLEASE Promise me light in-spite of this nights darkness.

NOTE: I usually don’t include this but thought it important this time.  Often I will draw as I write.  Last night I drew the picture above and the rest followed.  Thought I would share the whole thing this time! 

Free

It takes a dark night

to unleash God’s wrath

Where blood has been drawn

By thorns of sin

Where a torrent of punishment

Is etched into the skin

Of a man who took it willingly

Tattooed there as a reminder

That the price of sanctity was fierce

God’s own flesh left to rot

By man’s turmoil

And then Grace and Mercy

Lifts to heaven as a saint

And forgiveness is seated next to the thrown 

A door is open – My voice can be heard

And my life destined to be lost

Is FOUND and KNOWN

And my judgement erased

All this for me to be free  

If We Are The Body…….

Today is Easter.  I  can’t help but see that the truth of this day is lost.  Even with my own children – I have to battle what they learn in their classes and from their friends.  I was a part of a good friday service with a friend’s church.  I felt like I was just going through the motions.  I couldn’t find the point.  We sing some songs and go on our way.  Even as followers of Christ do we understand what this day means?  Do we really know the TRUTH of this day?  The Truth that Jesus came to make a new way.  He gave us a new way to live.  A way to live with real hope.  Do we just celebrate this for one day?  Do we live our lives as though WE KNOW that our price has been paid?  As the Body of God do we live it out?  I’m not sure that I do.  Here are some lyrics that inspired me today by Casting Crowns:

“But if we are the Body Why aren’t His arms reaching Why aren’t His hands healing Why aren’t His words teaching And if we are the Body Why aren’t His feet going Why is His love not showing them there is a way Jesus paid much too high a price For us to pick and choose who should come And we are the Body of Christ”

Losing

My mind is racing 

And my heart is pounding

But I’m still losing

What am I trying to prove anyway

This gaping hole is obvious

And the larger it gets

The wider the eyes that stare

Maybe that’s why I’m losing

When the deficit is clear

I cover it up with BOLD words 

And megaphone speeches

Even with quivering vocal cords

I pretend that every word is truth

Even with tears blinding my eyes

I want you to believe that I’m okay

Even with the loss of blood 

Staining the ground where I stand

I want you to think I’m not lost

And that I’m not dying

But I’m already dead

What I really need is for you to 

Find me here on the ground -

Without even the strength to kneel

I need you to hold me up

I’m a liar – A sinner – A skeptic

And what I need now is to be healed

And honest words to uncover

The horrible truth

And gentle hands to uncover

My self inflicted wounds

And even the scars of my battles

Oh let me be very clear now

I’m not okay – I’m prideful 

I’m hateful and I’m losing

 

Yeah I’m Losing 

Anger

RAGES inside me

Like a cancer that spreads

It’s fingers out into every limb

It races through my blood

And into my bones

There is no good thing left in me

 

What compels me to move

Is my heart

But now my heart is burdened

By the walls I’ve built up

And now this thing controls me 

It’s like the strings of a puppet

With sharpened teeth and razor tongue

I infect everything around me

That looks like love

 

God send an antidote to collide

With what’s been bred inside me

Break these chains that hold me

A  N  D     H  O  L  D     M  E

Kill this thing that has

K  I  L  L  E  D    M  E  

The Story…..

I’ve just realized that my last posts have been all lyrics and poetry and they leave a lot of you wondering “what the hell is going on up there!?”  I take it for-granted that some of you I get to talk to and share all that’s happening.  I think the first thing I must tell is that we have found a church called Ethnos.  It’s been really good to find a church that feels like home but the most important thing is the people.  We have been digging with several of the families there and it seems that just that is changing our lives.  The community aspect that we are always looking for is lived out really well and they have accepted us right in like we have always been there.  It’s pretty amazing but the most amazing thing about it is that it has allowed us to reach a point where we can be broken “safely”.  When I say that I mean that we have some people around us to help pick us up and help change our minds about church and God.  The down side of being broken however is that it can become somewhat violent.  My job has not turned out completely like we thought it would.  Really in a financial way and it’s started getting a bit tough in that arena.  This is an area that God chooses to break us I think because now I can’t rely on myself any longer.  Colleen started looking for work and the first job that looked really promising fell through.  Then when she started digging into other jobs she broke her foot and has had to be somewhat laid up so no job.  I’ve looked for 2nd jobs but no one is hiring.  In order to get through this God is going to have to show up and we are going to get to see it happen in a very real way.  In this time though I feel exposed.  I feel like these layers are being torn off.  Ones that really need to come off.  What is left right now is very raw.  I’m not sure if it will continue or if this is it?  Really however this all turns out we are being changed.  I  heard a song yesterday and the chorus is right where I’m at:

Take my fist

And hold it in your hands

Take my rage

And bury my pain

I need this.  I need to be broken.  It’s scary to admit that but right now there is nowhere else to go…………………….

Broken Man

I am a broken man

I face insurmountable walls

Failure is only moments away

Complete destruction in no longer just danger

It’s real – It’s upon me

These flames are fanned around me

The smoke from my burning life

Has intoxicated me into a stupor

I’m afraid to move – I don’t want to look

I’m afraid that there really will be

 

N O T H I N G      L E F T

 

God! Why do you wait until it’s

 T O O    L A T E

Are you watching – Are you listening

It’s so quiet – Your words – Your love

It escapes me

I can’t fix this

Your compassion and Your grace

Are the only things that

Can repair this broken man