Up to this point I had been fed a dose of Credence Clearwater, Moody Blues, The Beatles, Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass and an even bigger dose of Christian music like Maranatha Praise and Amy Grant.  How can any teenager identify with love and war and God?

I was walking the half mile home from the bus one sunny afternoon in early October with my friend, Cort.  Cort had his Discman and was excitedly telling me about this band I had to hear.  I pulled the headphones over my ears as we walked and he played the first track on the CD, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”.  With the assault of the first chord I knew I was listening to something that would change me.  And it did.  I couldn’t put it into words then but I was finally listening to something I could connect with.  The music, the words, the angst.  I stood there not wanting to relinquish Cort’s headphones.  I listened as we flipped through the songs on Nevermind and then very reluctantly walked the rest of the way home in silence.  At my next guitar lesson I begged my guitar teacher to show me how to play “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Come As You Are”.  I wasted no time teaching the songs to my friend and drummer, Mark, and we played them for hours (even incited a couple police visits for noise violations).  I wrote new songs that emulated Nirvana’s sound.  While everyone else was busy listening to MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice and Metallica I had found a soundtrack for my teen years.  Something that I could identify with.  Something that made me feel a little less awkward.  Something that made me feel like I wasn’t the only one that was lost.

I spent part of the day walking through the Nirvana exhibit at EMP in Seattle and it took me right back to that day I walked home and found a piece of myself in music.  Nirvana forged a new trail in music and found a way to create the soundtrack of a generation.  My generation.

CHORUS
It’s alright
Don’t go
It’s alright

This old house is all but falling down
Fire swept walls and soot covered dreams
We’ve kept all we could

CHORUS
It’s alright
Don’t go
It’s alright

Harsh words sting for a life
Until the soft sound of love creeps in
That’s where I’ll rest tonight

CHORUS
It’s alright
Don’t go
It’s alright

BRIDGE
Let me hold you like you could be held
Let me heal with you like we really could be healed
Let me feel this love like we’ve never felt before
It’s alright
We’ll make it through this night

CHORUS
It’s alright
Don’t go
It’s alright

CHORUS:
Oh you, I could fall in love with you
You don’t have to say a word
It’s written all over you
Just need a little bit of you
Yeah you

Takes a little bit a time
To figure out this crazy life
Takes a little bit a time
To find out it was the whole damn time
If you can wait – Girl I’ll show you I’m worth the wait
Just need a little bit of your time

CHORUS:
Oh you, I could fall in love with you
You don’t have to say a word
It’s written all over you
Just need a little bit of you
Yeah you

Takes a little bit a time
To see a broken road can make right
Takes a little bit a time
To find what you need to find what you want
And girl it’s you – yeah you
I just need a little bit of your time

CHORUS 2:
Oh you, I’ve fallen in love with you
You never had to say a word
It’s written all over you
I just need a little bit of you
Yeah you

CHORUS
You don’t need the kinna trouble I’m in
You don’t need the kinna trouble I am
I would hold you for here as long as I could
In this trouble we’re in

Don’t you dare look in my eyes
They don’t ever lie
God forbid this heart of mine
Makes it to my sleeve
Cause I don’t have it in me
To deny you anything

CHORUS
You don’t need the kinna trouble I’m in
You don’t need the kinna trouble I am
I would hold you for here as long as I could
In this trouble we’re in

What if those flashing lights were you’re headlights
You racing back to me
What if those miles were only seconds
You away from me

CHORUS
If you were only here
I would tell you that I’ve loved you
If you were only here
I would hold you and never let you go

VERSE 2
What if these tears were tears of joy
You smiling back at me
What if all this pain
Made us beautiful

What if you and I were angels
Just waiting for our symphony
What if all the love in the world
Was enough to save us

CHORUS
If you were only here
I would tell you that I’ve loved you
If you were only here
I would hold you and never let you go

Everything is going to change.  It’s already set in motion.  Nothing can stop it or change it’s course.  The horizon before us is even now showing the signs of the storm.  The beautiful morning sky has given way to ominous clouds.  Smooth waters have changed to white capped seas.  But the destination must be reached.  So hold fast!  Steady be your hands.  Sharp be your eyes.  Strong be your arms.  Set this course hard and hold fast.  Do not let sleep overtake you.  There will be no shelter.  The storm will not relent until it’s taken what it desires.  So hold fast lest your home become the belly of this revolting monster.  Just hold fast.

I have been living with and not saying much out loud about some major hurt in my life.  The culprit?  Church.  Surprising?  Not to a lot of you I’m sure.  Somehow I am a product of what happens when you’re not part of the “it” crowd.

It’s probably no surprise what I’m going through by now.  A lot of you even know all of the details and it’s just not pretty and so in a moment of need I turned to some men who are pastors.  I thought maybe this would be a time for me to be completely honest with someone about the pain I’ve caused and the pain handed to me.  I wanted to walk through with someone that might have another perspective.  I wanted to walk through this with someone who could show me that God was still able to hear me and heal me.  I thought that as men who have accepted the challenge and the role as a leader of the church they would be a good place to find some love and even a slap across the head if needed.  I told my story but have never heard anything since from either of these men.  I guess you have to do all the reaching out?  I guess I don’t want anything to do with that kind of help.

I kinda quit trying after that but a couple people did reach out and wanted to hear what was going on.  I shared as much as I could.  I shared about my hurt as a husband loosing his wife.  I shared about the hurt handed to me by men who said they wanted to help me.  I heard “we want to be a different view of the church for you.  We want to BE the church”.  Great!  This is good news!  Someone who gets it!  And for just a minute they were just that.  As soon as the word “divorce” hit though, they scattered.  I haven’t heard from ”the church” since.  So help and concern is conditional?  Love is conditional?  God’s love is conditional?

You know where I’ve found love?  The people who don’t call themselves “the church” at all.  The people who wouldn’t even call themselves a “Christian”.  People who don’t have an agenda. 

So here is what I have to say and this is where it may get harsh.  Fuck you if you claim to “be the church” or if you accept a role as a leader in the church and let people fall alone!  It would have been better to never say a word at all.  And the thing that hurts the most is that you say you are different!  Bullshit!!!  This is the same story I’ve seen over and over again.  How about we stop talking about how we’re different and just BE different.  And I know that I’ve done the same thing so if I did it to you – I’m sorry!  I don’t want to be that man ever again! 

Let me just leave it with this: If you come to someone in their moment of need and you tell them that you want to show them God’s love, you better make damn sure you’re ready to do it.  Just remembering to pray for them isn’t enough.  Just one phone call isn’t enough.  Just one facebook message isn’t enough.  You better be ready to walk through that dark moment.  If you’re not or you even think that maybe you’re not – don’t because starting that path with someone who says they have your back and leaves you when the night becomes it’s scariest is far worse than starting it alone and having to finish it alone.  Don’t say you’re different – Just be different…………

So I’ve taken everything out of that box and I’m sitting here with it all around me.  Let me be quite clear – I’m not okay.  Those pains are taunting me and now as I’m sitting here watching my marriage crumble before me and my family ripped apart, I hurt.  I’m being loud about that because I don’t want to push it down and let it kill me anymore.  I want to heal.  This home doesn’t have to stay broken.  It won’t ever look the same as it once did but it doesn’t have to look like this.  I get the unique opportunity to start over and do it different.

I posted this to Facebook yesterday but wanted it here as well.  If you you’ve already read it then never mind!  If not well I want you all to know……….

…………..There was a day 11 years ago that I was excited to start a new life.  I was blinded by love and anticipation.  I said those words “I do” with tears in my eyes and my heart bursting with joy.  I couldn’t tell you the future but I was excited about it and ready to take on anything that came my way with love by my side.  My love.  My wife.

And life was good.  It was moving fast but it was good.  It was full of music and friends.  Full of new love.  Even the trials of a n,ew marriage were forgotten the moment they passed.  About a year after Colleen and I got married we had our first son, Leif, in October of 2000.  I was scared but excited.  My heart was bursting with pride and love as I held him for the first time.  Not long after we learned that another baby was on the way.  More fear.  Lots of love.  Ezra was born in May 2002.  Again I held my little boy in my arms with a strong and prideful heart beating love for this new life in my arms.  And then in September 2004 my beautiful little girl, Adalie, joined our family.  If any of you have a daughter you know the bond of a father and his little girl.  No words can express how amazing it is to hold your little girl for the first time.

We built a life and a family.  We wrote a story.  The story has been full of love and accomplishment but it has an ugly underside marked with pain and loss.  Every good story has a moment where your stomach drops to the floor and you feel week in the knees.  Maybe you can’t even stay upright and fall to the floor.  And here comes that moment for me.

Those two kids who had hearts in their eyes somehow lost hope.  We tried to regain what had been lost but too much pain had been caused.  Some caused in the decade we spent together and even more before we’d even met.  It’s not funny how much one person’s selfish decisions can cause shattered lives for generations.  I don’t know who to hold responsible for this mess.  I’ve blamed God, I’ve blamed myself, I’ve blamed her, I’ve blamed alcohol, I’ve blamed the people who called themselves friends and then disappeared when the pain was too much to bear.  But the truth is that the pain has become too much to bear.  Hope has escaped us.  Choices have been made that don’t heal.  Love has stopped coming to rescue.  This life we built has been ripped and torn into something you can’t even recognize anymore.

And so with tears streaming down my face and shaking hands, my voice quivering and my breath short I have to tell you that this decade has come to an end.  It’s probably not a surprise as you’ve stood by and watched my Facebook posts.  It’s no surprise if you’ve showed up to a bar where I was singing my pain into a microphone.  It’s no surprise if you’ve been close enough to hear our laughs turn to groans.  But now you know as much of the truth as I can share.  I’m sorry.  Something like this doesn’t just hurt us.  It hurts everyone who knows us.  It’s not the story I wanted to tell but it’s the cards that have been dealt me……so I’m sorry.

It may be that your first response would be to judge but I beg you to instead breath love into a place where there is already too much pain.  If you have to talk about it, talk about it with me.  If you think we haven’t tried enough just ask.  Please, love come rescue……………..

..::DISCLAIMER::..
This could get ugly!  If you are still reading this blog and don’t want to read the potentially offensive truth about where I am at in my life, turn it off now.  We all get to choose what we’re going to read and this is my space to write down what I’ve been working through so read on with caution and an open mind.  If you can’t, fine, I understand!  Just so you know: You’ve been fairly warned!

More to come…………….